Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
