did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
