theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
