It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
