I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
