does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
