Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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