I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize