swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
