Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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