Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
