When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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