I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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