i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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