You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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