I wish my penis had an off switch
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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