the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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