I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
