in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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