So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
