Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
