it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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