I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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