I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
