Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
