im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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