Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
