I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
