i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
