I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
