I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
