Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
