Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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