Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
