So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
