Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
