Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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