Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
