please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
