she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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