remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
