Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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