I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
