I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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