I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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