did you get engaged???
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
