He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
