Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
