Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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