you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
