My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
