Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
