Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
