Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
