I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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