she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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