I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
