My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
